Greg says that Emily should make more of an effort. He accuses her of being antisocial. “I am social,” she says. “I love you, I love my family, I love my close friends. I just don’t love dinner parties. People don’t relate at those parties—they just socialize. You’re lucky because I devote all my energy to you. You spread yours around to everyone”
Quiet | Susan Cain
There's a vast difference between communicating with people and connecting with them, yet the two so often get mixed up. Communicating with a person can be any sort of interaction, direct or indirect. It can be as distant as a lecture in a large forum or a digital message across a screen. Or it can be as intimate as a wordless look or touch or hand gesture. Conveying a message to another person—that's communication.
Emily has a demanding job, and sometimes when she gets home at night she has little energy left. She’s always happy to see Greg, but sometimes she’d rather sit next to him reading than go out for dinner or make animated conversation. Simply to be in his company is enough. For Emily, this is perfectly natural, but Greg feels hurt that he makes an effort for her colleagues and not for him
Connection, on the other hand, holds a deeper meaning. It, too, is communication—so it's understandable why and how the two get confused—but connection is communication of both the highest and deepest levels. Connection reaches for the esoteric and abstract realm that transcends the temporary, superficial, mindless chatter that consumes so much of daily life. And it emerges from what's deeply rooted inside our being, emanating outward when we connect with another. It's when we share ourselves—our actual selves, not just bits about us—with someone else.
Communication is the sharing of information; it's getting to know about someone. Connection is the sharing of an individual; it's learning to understand that someone. It's when a stranger becomes significant and special. It's when a relationship begins to build through real relating. Connection is that inexplicable thing that may be achieved through words but moves beyond them.
It’s not that there’s no small talk, observes Strickland, the leader of the gathers. It’s that it comes not at the beginning of conversations but at the end. In most settings, people use small talk as a way of relaxing into a new relationship, and only once they’re comfortable do they connect more seriously. Sensitive people do this in the reverse. They “enjoy more small talk only after they’ve gone deep,” says Strickland. “When sensitive people are in environments that nurture their authenticity, they laugh and chitchat just as much as anyone else”
Everyone wants to make connections—it's not that introverts only seek connection while extroverts only seek communication. It's that the two work in tandem with each other. Introverts' mode of communication tend to be more conducive to connection than extroverts'. However, introverts struggle more with initiating communication and then sustaining it to approach that desired level of trust and intimacy. Fortunately, extroverts' mode of communication tends to be more conducive to striking up conversations and introducing the doorway to those discussions.
Introverts and extroverts are not in opposition to each other; they're in partnership with each other. They need each other. Introverts and extroverts both have valuable qualities to be gained and to offer one another
But the most interesting part of Thorne’s experiment was how much the two types appreciated each other. Introverts talking to extroverts chose cheerier topics, reported making conversation more easily, and described conversing with extroverts as a “breath of fresh air.” In contrast, the extroverts felt that they would relax more with introvert partners and were freer to confide their problems. They didn’t feel pressure to be falsely upbeat
Photo by Joshua Ness on Unsplash