Margaret – Are we really going to follow up Mr. Bast?
Helen – I don’t know.
Margaret – I think we won’t.
Helen – As you like.
Margaret – It’s not good, I think, unless you really mean to know people. The discussion brought that home to me. We get on well enough with him in a spirit of excitement, but think of rational intercourse. We mustn’t play at friendship. No, it’s no good
Howards End ~ EM Forster
Serious personal relationships, whether romantic or platonic, are investments. They require a significant level of commitment in an array of areas: time, attention, interest, effort. No one is limitless in those arenas, so relationships must be considered carefully.
Personal relationships are challenging and complicated and confusing, and it's because they are all those things they are so valuable—and so rare. Personal relationships are investments—often risky and unpredictable investments. They have to be assessed carefully and deemed worth the trouble to truly succeed.
As inhabitants of the inner world, Margaret and Helen understood the value of personal relationships. Like anything valuable, they understood that personal relationships require sacrifices, consume time, exhaust effort and energy. When Margaret and Helen took on a relationship, they took it seriously. They knew much would be required of them, and they knew their personal limits.
When people wrote a letter, Charles always asked what they wanted. Want was to him the only cause of action
When forming a relationship, the Schlegels strived to truly get to know the person, not simply know about them. They were conscientious about which acquaintances went beyond acquaintances because they were conscientious of their commitments and limitations. They set high expectations for themselves and the other to make the relationship truly valuable and personal.
For the Wilcoxes, though, a relationship was about the action, rather than the person. They, too, considered relationships transactional in nature, but, rather than focalising on the value of the person, they focalised on the utility of the person. Instead of weighing what they could offer the other, they weighed what they could gain from the other. The Wilcoxes had many whom they deemed friends, yet that lacked meaningful relationships with them—and with each other.
The breezy Wilcox manner, though genuine, lacked the clearness of vision that is imperative for truth
While Henry and Charles were personable chaps with manners and pleasant demeanours, Margaret and Helen were personal companions. Though they might be polite, they would always be forthright. While the Wilcoxes could carry a light conversation, the Schlegels craved a deep discussion. When they entered into relationships, they entered into serious, long-term commitments that would cost them greatly but be worth the cost
They avoided the personal note in life. All Wilcoxes did. It did not seem to them of supreme importance. Or it may be as Helen supposed: they realized its importance, but were afraid of it [...] The practical moralist may acquit them absolutely. He who strives to look deeper may acquit them—almost. For one hard fact remains. They did neglect a personal appeal. The woman who had died did say to them: “Do this,” and they answered: “We will not”
It's Always Person | You've Got Mail
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