I suppose I could refer to you as a 'rapist', at the very least 'my rapist'. But it wouldn't be true—hell, it wouldn't even cover a fraction of the truth about who you are. I've drunk myself into oblivious. That doesn't make me 'an alcoholic'. I have lied on occasion. That does not make me 'a liar'. I've been raped. That does not make me 'a victim'. People do good and bad things throughout their lives. My point is that I'm a person. Not a label. I cannot be reduced down to what happened that night. And neither can you
South of Forgiveness ~ Thordis Elva and Tom Strange
Does who you are matter more than what you do? Or does what you do define who you are? If you practice medicine, are you a doctor? If you give away lots of money, are you charitable? If you recite wedding vows, are you faithful?
It's the Age of Identity, and labels matter. We say we don't label people—we shouldn't—but we do. And there's nothing necessarily bad about labels. It's how we describe people, introduce them to others, and relate to them. Some labels are ones to be proud of. Most parents and spouses are very pleased to tell people their statuses and talk about their relations. Some labels bring us closer to others and help us form connections. That's part of what they're for—to bring us together and restore lost connections, not separate us.
We use labels to define ourselves. Sometimes we make our own, and sometimes we share them with others. But we use labels, and we use several. We're not one-dimensional creatures, and we don't live in a one-dimensional world. We have many parts, which have many more parts, and they all work distinctively but interdependently. We have the physical and the psychological, for example. And then we also have our many experiences that are also distinctive but interdependent. To reduce one person to one aspect and one experience with one label is diminutive. Whether it's 'rapist' or 'victim' or anything else, to make one word a comprehensive understanding of a person is to dehumanise them.
Sometimes I become aware of how easy it would be for me to shame you back into our familiar pattern—you wallowing in self-pity and contempt as the big bad rapist, and me in the role of the good-Samaritan free-therapist. But I'm really tired of that, Tom. I'm over it. And here's the thing: I'm not that different from you
When Samantha Gailey was 13, she was raped by film director Roman Polanski in 1977. Over 30 years later, Polanski was arrested, and Samantha's story became public. But it wasn't her story anymore. Writers and activists began contorting it to fit their narratives.
As she watched how the media portrayed Polanski and how the case unfolded in court, Samantha became bitter. She resented others speaking and acting on her behalf. She resented the manipulation and exploitations of those claiming to support her. And she resented the interference and ignorance of those who should never have been involved. In her interview with Quillette, Samantha explained how the shameful publicity made them allies rather than adversaries:
The Oscars are supposed to reward great art and entertainment, not congeniality. So when he won I felt like it was a big fuck you to everyone who insisted we must remain victim and monster for eternity. It felt liberating somehow. Our struggle for justice has left us allies for longer than we were ever adversaries so a win for one feels like a victory for both
Samantha recognized how the public exploited her, Roman, and the past 'for profit or prurience.' She was disgusted by their proclamations of 'public service' and denounced them as 'hypocritical and immoral.' Instead of being confined to one night with one person and one label, Samantha Gailey transcended her label and created several more. Now she is Samantha Geimer: wife, mother, grandmother, author, advocate, feminist, and much more
The whole point of forgiveness is letting go of the burdens, not passing them onto another person, even if it was theirs to carry in the first place. It'd be meaningless if the rock only changed hands and continued to nurture a vicious circle
Photo by Jens Johnsson on Unsplash